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Maybe today. but lets get on with the next struggle. The bed sheets. They seem like ordinary pieces of tightly fitted fibers that form vast expanses of sheet, but really they are something almost impossible to oppose. Inside of them, there is a warm comfortableworld, but outside its not necessarily cold, but it’s the world of awake. When you are asleep, nothing can hurt you, except your nightmares, but even then you still have some sense that you are in a dream. And when your asleep, you don’t feel depression or anger, your in your own world that you never want to leave. And those bed sheets are the end of that world. Damn. So now that hes standing up, the rest of the morning is more routine and without feeling than anything else. Although feeling this morning doesn’t really matter anyway. Brush teeth, wash face. Mmm cold water. No shower today. tonight, not in the morning. Eat some toast. Hes gone. Out of the door. To the car. Alone.
He doesn’t really like driving. Especially in rush hour. He sees all these people and he wonders, if there are so many people, what good am I here? What difference do I possibly make?
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again, un edited
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so he woke up right, and there he was in bed, looking up at the ceiling, knowing a new day had begun. you never know, it might be a good day, and then it might be a bad day. sigh. you just pretty much dont really care what happens when you feel like this. so the ceiling is your only comofrt. the little inverted miniature mountain ranges crisscrossing along the ceilng. (sometimes its cottage cheese, but not today) today, they are those mountain ranges and there is life amongst those ranges. right, even if it doesnt really exist in this world, it does exist in his mind, and so if you really look at it, the life does exist. every morning, or well, on mornings like these, he sees the life and checks on it. but what is it about that ceiling, because the life only exists while he looks at it, at the celing, because the life cant continue if he doesnt focus on it. but then again, its just the ceiling. its just the floor for the room upstairs. its the barrier that would prevent him from flying up, if he could fly, (right?) but its just that. a ceiling. yet its so mesmorizing. dont want to give it up. does he have to though? does he even realy have to get up. he hasnt really figured that out yet. maybe today. maybe. ..... one thing he does know is that no matter where you are in this life. no matter how successful or how poor or rich or popular or tough, your pretty much alone wiht your self and your body. just the two of you. but really its one. right? we'll see
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this is unedited and i am very tired, stay tuned
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slef pity is the human condition, is it not?
anywya, im doing pretty good, i wish you people would respond.
but yea, i got a job, i work at don jose, as a bus boy. its fun. you should visit. things with steph are getting better and she started college today. im proud of her.
but yea, im pretty tired so im gonna go to bed.
oh, i went to the san diego zoo on saturday. it was super fun. i surprised steph and she really liked it. we saw monkeys and hippos and lions and elephants. it was reallly fun.
so im goiung to bed now. good nigt,
czesc
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Thursday, June 19th, 2003
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allo allo,
i have not said much in a long time, and i was going to type something long but i had to type something as a reply to my friend john's jpournal, and im act6uallyt proud of it so i am going to share an excerpt. otehr than that, i am in love, enjoy!
john, you are an awesome person, but that doesnt mean shit until you belive it for yourself. the truth is john, even if you could read peoples minds, or follow them around in a shroud of invisbility, what purpose would that serve? i mean, what good is it to hear that you are a great person or a shit person, becasue in the end, you just have to face yourself. in the end, when all the lights are off, and tehre is a cold in the room only you can feel, and when your brain is staring out into the world through those eyes in your head, there will be no one to tell you who you are. you have to know who you are and tell yourself if you like that person. if not, fix that person, fix yourself until you do. and one thing i can tell you is that if you are confident in yourself, if you believe in your values and know that you are a good person, then life is yours my freind.
you see, no matter what, no matter when, there will always be someone who disagrees wiht you. no matter what. look at it this way, God is the most perfect being, correct? yet some people have beef wiht him. so its hopeless to base who you are on what otehrs say. you want an example of that, i will tell you. adolf hitler. he wanted to be an artist, they told him he wasnt good enough and all that shit. and so he joined the army for WWII and got rather influencial, and they told him, you want more power, go against the communists. and there you go. see, hitler listened to other peoplke to establish himself. and i htink one of the reasons he hated the jews so much was because he hated hjimself so much. hitler was meant to be an artist, but he didnt listen to himself.
john, whatever i say to you whether it be a compliment or a put down means shit. unless you know who you are, you cant be accepted by anyone. look into yourself. dotn be scared. im serious. you are a goo dperson. you have good values. and how you judge those by is how you feel when you think about them. and i fyou feel you might be wrong about sonmething, go head and talk to somneone about it, but please dont be brainwashed by the first thing someone says. in the words of a famous psychologist, think for yourself.
czesc
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i went swimming today and i am in a somewhat good mood. so yea. what else you want me to say? i am at my dads house right now. yup. thats about it.
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i had somethinh, i deleted it, good night
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| Time: | 9:46 pm. |
| Mood: |  lonely. |
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i have come to the realization that i do not write in here becasue i enjoy pouring my deepest thoughts and trust into a journal, for if i wnated to that i would do it upon paper, but because i enjoy an auidence. so people, read these words, stare at the electronic screen in front of you and tell me what to say. because i beleiv eit to be well over a month since i have said anythign worthwhile and i gues si just dont knwo what to write. i much more enjoy the art of conversation, you know, talking to someone that is there, and saving my ideas for that occasion. but then again, some things i say here because there is an unexpressed urge to do so. and ehre i am. typing. im drinking tea. tea is good. ive been drinking a lot more tea lately. i like it. i think it is because i live wiht my grandmother. i always drank tea before, but now im just drinking it more. i am also looking at an old picutre of myself wiuth some of my old class mates from 6th grade i believe. there is this one teacher, Dr. Robinson, he was awesome. i love that man. i miss him so much. i havent seen him in 2 years, and 2 years before that. the time i saw him was only for 2 minutes, he came to my graduation. iw ould like to find him. maybe i will. but yea, i havent seen him in 4 years. iw ould like to take him out to lunch and just talk and catch up wiht him. he was so great. i love Dr. Robinson. well. my thought process is gone. goo dnigt
czesc
silent silence
-radiohead
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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
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hello, i haavent written in a while and in the words of me mum, bite me. ive been alright and yea. what do you want me to say? babcia is driving me nuts and me mum and siter are in hawaii.
i was reading today my book from school and i ran across these lines and i find them so gorgeous that i would like to share them wiht you. please note that these two are married and are in an argument that is rather silly and they make up in the best way, and its hot!!
from "their eyes were watching God" by zora neale hurston
... They fought on. "You done hurt mah heart, now you come wid uh lie tuh bruise mah ears! Turn go mah hands!" Janie seethed. But Tea Cake never let go. They wrestled on until they were doped wiht thier own fumes and emanations; till their clothes had been torn away; till he hurled her to the floor and held her there melting her resistance witht he heat of hisbody, doing things wiht thier bodies to express the inexpressible; kissed her until she arched her body to meet him and they fell asleep in sweet exhaustion.
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what can i say, i havent wrriten in a while and i dont know what to write. i know, i guess i can tell you all that i got this really great jacket from stephanie. thanks so much again. hmm, other than that. i guess i have been okay. too much on me mind i guess. dont want to go to school and blah. i find myself driving more and more and what not. im just rambiling.
i guess ill go,
g'day
czesc
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so i know that i havent written anything in 22 days and that is a rather long time. but to be honest wiht you, i did write some stuff. its just that i didnt feel motivated and when i was done typing it all, ijust deleted it and said "screw it" but today(and for the past few days) i have been doing exceptionally well. things are good, commmunication amongst frineds, family and steph is getting better, i just feel good. i guess its safe to say that i am happy. although i do get an occaisonal bout of non motivation every now and then and have been incredibly reluctant to write anythign(poetry, this entry, or even drawings) i think i will start again.
to say in the least i am odd person, but a lot of people like me for that and thats awesome. and i like being me. becasue being me is comfortable and when people like the way i am i am relaxed and no extra energry goes into being soemnthing i am not. i dont evenmnow why i am writing this but i am happy. so yea
so to all of my people, i will write when i can but my computer at home does not work so i guess i will write again after school perhaps in the library? i do not know, but until then and be well
czesc
congratulations steph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thursday, March 6th, 2003
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i am at school right now.
i typed out a huge entry on sunday and after i finished i looked at it and deleted the thing and never posted it. thats how i was feeling on sunday or whatever the day was. everythign was pointless and meaningless.
hey, i found a pen today and i needed it because i lost all of mine.
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Friday, February 21st, 2003
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not supposed to be, what you going to do? when boredom ensues, do you really have a choice, exactly. anyway, today is going pretty well and and so have the past few days i guess. my mom is taking the B.A.R. next week and shes stressed out and therefore we are all stressed out. but we got to support her so she can go to her nice and freindly self again. i do admit she has not been herself lately. it kinda sucks.
anyway, i am sick and my nose is stuffy and my throat is sore and i get hot flashes then cold flashes and i get light headed every now and then and yea. but hey, i have to get sick some time.
ahh, only three more classes after this one, i hope i can make it. i am so tired of school already. i want to go home. oh well. g'day
czesc
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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
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today was an alright day,
i spent the majority of it wiht my sister. started off wiht a drive to friar tux's to return the rental nonsense and thne off to ipso facto where i returned a shirt. then to express so me sister could buy a shirt then she took me to lunch at mcdonalds, my choice(i needed to binge on fatty food), and then we went to trader joes for groceries then to the beach well not really, so no, and finally to me dads before returning home. i got back and my grandmother, or babcia, who doesnt speak english, told me a lot of people called, and when i asked who, she said she did not knwo because she does not speak english. i always ask her that cuz i always get a laugh out of her making this wierd face and asking me how she would know if she doesnt speak the language. its great, i like to pretend the president called and he has to call back because he had to face my babcia. shes so great.
anway, today was mostly spent driving around which led to thinkg. so today was spent thinking. and there was a lot of thinking. seems to me thats all i do. i thought of something great that i got all excited about because i was going to put it here, but i forgot. damn! oh well.
my sister spine has turned against her, so to speak. but my ssiter is doiung well. please pray for her.
the dead poets society is awesome. i love that movie. i watched it the other night and i swear to you i cried for the entire length of the last half hour. i just related to it so well. and so i must go on to saying, DONT LET NIEL DIE! we must keep him alive.
that we must.
well, good night. my heart bids all to those that read adieu,
czesc
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yesterday was winter formal. i danced.
czesc
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Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
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today was not bad. it had its few moments, but hey, im still in a good mood right now. so yea, ive been doing really good for the past couple of days and its great. im having fun. although i having really returend to my self fully, im getting there i think and im having fun. tomorrow i am going to meditate in a place i have not been in a long while and i am going to enjoy it much. well, i dont have much to say. been really busy lately and lots of stress, but im letting it slip away right now. now is my moment of good time ed ness. so alright and ya. good night everyone and sleep well. winter formal on saturday! woo hoo!
czesc
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Saturday, February 8th, 2003
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exaustion, as powerful as it may be, can be held back by your mind. your mind is an incredible muscle, the strongest muscle in your body mind you, and it can hold back a lot of things. now right now i am tired like i have not been in a while and i knwo i could easily fall asleep, but i know that as soon as my head hits that pillow my eyes will be open. i will be looking for a comfortable postion, but the search will be futile, my mind will wander and hopefully, i will just pass out sometime during the night. and when i wake up in the morning i will still have this headache behind my eyes and this horrible energry inside my body. this constant search to keep myself occupied, yet somehow no matter what and how much you do, you will still have room to do more. its just killing time.
im just rambling. dave called me today. it was not a very pleasant conversation. i stayed my passive self and after a few minutes of being talked to in a tone that i found rather disagreeablei told him i would like to get off the phone and he hung up on me. i felt rather sorry for him and wanted to call him back. i didn't though.
most of today was spent in a melancholy thought. you know, when you look into a person's eyes after they have been quiet and keeping to themselves for a while, and you just look into their eyes and you can tell there is something in them that any slight disturbance could set them off. not in an anger or anything, but in a sadness, liek they are being held together by some invisible strand and are just waiting for more support, strength.
i guess i just have had too much to think about lately and its finally catchign up to me. but enough said, if you knwo me at all, you know that i like to keep to myself and talk about matters person to person, so i think i am going to go find somethign else to do. eventually i will be in that bed and alone wiht my thoughts. thats what we avoid a lot isnt it? being alone wiht our thoughts, we are afraid of thme. afraid of what they will tell us. thats why we talk to people, to get those thoughts out of us and to justify our own reasoning. so we can anchor ourselves wiht someone and have a foundation for mental stability. but what happens may i ask you, when you find no one that agrees wiht your thoughts and views and you are found even more alone wiht yourself because you fear you will never find anyone that will really listen to the deepest of your thoughts?
i say to you i am getting to old. not in body, but in mind. me mum agrees. good night
czesc
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i love you
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Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
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thsi sucks, i spend like who the hell knows how many minutes updating my journal and my computer doesnt post it. sigh.
well, not in the mood for typing anythig. i guess im okay. lifes alright. gets frustrating.
school blows and so does everythign else. i climbed a hill with leo the other day. that was good. but short lived. i want to do that again. sitting up there, flicked off the world. it was good.
czesc
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Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
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and you get the courage to press the dam button and then what happens, the people laugh at you, and therefore add to your fear of your own personal button.
but hey, im in somehwat of a good mood and im going to enjoy it. i will only let this encounter smite me later. so g'day
czesc
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Monday, January 27th, 2003
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you knwo how you type all of your words in this box here, and then under it it says "update journal" on a little button. have any of you ever been scared of that button? i mean, you say a lot of meaningful stuff in this box, and as long as it stays in the box its meaningful because you are the only one that sees it, but once you press that button, all the world can see it and what you have to say and denounce it. its very frightening.
and in life we all have our own "update journal" buttons, and we are all scared of them. some people more than others, and i know i am scared to death of mine. there are lots of things i want to say, and i know that as long as they stay in me, i have them and no one can tell me otherwise, but as soon as i press that button, problems arise. or is it really the fault of the button. i mean, we choose to speak, therefore it is us that is to blame. we all have these emotions in us that screw up our judgement and when somethign is said that threatens us and those secret emotions we keep inside, we react, and my goodness how sharp and painful those reactions are. we cut the people we love just to save our selves. and what wiht the person that has somethign to actually to hold on to? does he or she press the button(choose to say what is felt) of does that person keep it all in?
its really mind boggling. but what i have learned is that if you hold somethign in long enough, if you wait long enough, what needs to be said will come out one way or the other, and we all have things to be said.
there is this quote that i have run into many a time in my english class that talks of how horrible it is when your mind is bening pulled by equal forces in two opposite directions. and i agree, it is very painful. you dont knbwo whatswhat and you have no idea what to do and hey! you get sad. its not fun. so i say, be there for that person. if someone opens up to you, give them your ear, because this life is well, its life, and thats really all we can do, its one of the thigns we can do, so give them your ear and your compassion and try to use empathy.
good night,
czesc
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czesc's journal
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